A good burn.

I did stay out in the sun, uncovered, until I burned. I'm sore now, and even with this cooling salve on it I have to be careful about putting my helm on, but I don't mind. I like the sun; it's why I stay in Durotar, even if I do miss the comparative luxury of Silvermoon. The sun in Quel'thalas, even now, seems almost filtered-- bright, but not intense. Pleasant. In Durotar it is intense, unforgiving. The sort of sunlight that forces one to go indoors because sometimes mere shade just isn't enough. I close my eyes, remember that first week of marriage-- and assorted blocks of time afterward-- and spread my arms as if I could embrace the light.

Haven't seen Eoghann in a while. I wouldn't say I miss him, exactly, but at least with him I know someone I can trust in a strange way. He is himself. He's useful, and in combat I do actually trust him at my back. I don't miss that damned scorpid of his, and I don't understand why he likes those things so much, but maybe I should track him down sometime. He's been keeping himself absent as much as I have, and I feel slightly bad for it in regard to the guild. I'm still not sure what to make of Merciless; it's unsettling because there are elements I hadn't really wanted to interact with beyond "Hey, kill ____". Twilight dragons and talk of old gods here and there and such. Things that make my skin prickle. But there's a strange comfort in the group as well, and there does seem to be a feeling of 'watching out for one's own' there.

I still won't share my personal goals or problems with them, though. Not what I did to Alamir, not what I plan to do to the others, including Jovan. That is for me. Having others do my work is what Jovan would do. Hiding behind those more powerful while using them is his way, and I won't insult myself or any of Merciless with that.

So far the Book I found has been proving to be fairly useless. No one of great interest in there, nothing that I could use to keep track of any of them. I suppose it was too much to ask, and perhaps too easy; anything easily gotten is suspect, and I must remain patient. In the meantime, I have to try to not let it consume me. I'm still alive, and there is more out there than just me or my immediate concerns.

Honeymoon.

((Warning for possibly triggering, though not explicit, content under LJ-cut.))

The first time I saw Jovan after he brought me to his home-- it was never our home, it was his-- was when I woke up and saw a pair of glowing green eyes in the darkness above me. I was so used to the dark at that point that they were virtually blinding; I couldn't see anything else, even when I looked away I saw the after-image of his eyes. Almost funny that of everything he did, that's what chills me the most in nightmares-- the after-image of his eyes in the darkness. Perhaps because I still feel like I see it after I wake.

( Delayed wedding night. )

Living vicariously through others

Sometimes I think I'm a little jealous of Lohendrin. One wouldn't necessarily know it if one just met him-- because of his usual demeanor and such-- but he's seen a lot of combat. More than I have, and many more of the most recent threats. Though he has seen much more, period...he has the things to prove it. Trinkets and armor and things like Mim. Part of me wants to be there too, to see all of that, to feel I made a difference.

But I know not everyone can be at the front; who would be in the back, then, helping make sure those at the front could do their job? Would those who finally helped Fordring bring down the Lich King have been able to do so without the help of support troops who cleared out a lot of Icecrown Citadel, who were there with supplies and to battle any reinforcements that might have been called in? I know Lohen understands that too-- even if he's at the front, in his particular regiment he provides support. He's a healer, a medic; he makes sure others have the means to battle their enemies.

Every role is important, even down to the peons who help build towers, but sometimes...sometimes I wish I knew what it was like to be lauded as a hero. To have just a moment in the sun. But that's okay. As I said, not everyone can be at the front, and I'm practical enough to understand that those at the front wouldn't be there if not for the work of those at the back. Even those of us who tend to be seen as cannon fodder at times-- people like me who deal damage but are unable to do things like heal beyond basic bandaging, things like that-- have our part.

Maybe that's why I'm so devoted to my pursuit of Engineering, especially in my studies and experiments in regard to combining my engineering with my magecraft. Being a 'technomage' as some call it. I know it's not an area in which extensive research has been done, and maybe I want to feel a little special sometimes.

I couldn't tell Lohen any of this, though; I don't want him to feel bad because he thinks his stories of combat make me feel bad, when they don't. I love listening to them, even though I will admit what I really love listening to is just him. I like the far-off look in his eyes when he's telling me these tales; I like the little smile he gets when he speaks of Skruffy and Ruckus, the genuine fondness and respect when he speaks of working alongside Dura. The pride in his voice when he speaks of their victory in battle. I can tell they make him happy. I hope, when he speaks of me to them, they see a similar happiness in his demeanor. I want to believe I help make him happy, he deserves it.

I may be overthinking this

Lohen said those "three little words" tonight, just easily slipped them into conversation; he said them before closing his own Tome because his guild needed his presence tonight for another combat assignment. Almost casual, like one might say to one's longtime spouse or some such-- "No time to talk, I love you, I'll see you later."

Naturally, being the sort I am, I started to think about it, and think, and think. Lohendrin and I really haven't known each other that long; maybe few weeks, even if we've had many conversations and have been around each other a lot when duties don't call us elsewhere. That's still a short period of time, even if some folks out there declare love within hours of meeting someone. People are different, though, and I'm still very new to this. I don't know how I feel exactly. I don't know if he's hurt that I haven't said it back-- I hope not! I don't think he is, because he said I'm worth waiting for, so maybe he's fine with giving me more time to think.

I've never been in love before, and I tend to overanalyze things. I don't know how one knows for certain one is in love, because sometimes even a rational mind can't entirely tell what's real and what's overly-romanticized in fiction. There's no feeling of earth moving beneath my feet (apart from things a shaman would tend to), there's no painful yearning, none of that sort of thing (that seems like nonsense anyhow). But I do like being around him more than being alone, and for me that's really quite peculiar. I still look forward to his words in the Book every day. I like cooking for him, and rubbing healing stuff on his bruises (as they aren't bad enough, really, to warrant use of Holy energy to heal).

I think the best option right now is to wait and see how things progress. How I feel as time goes on. He said he's willing to wait for me, so I do hope that includes saying those words, not just waiting for the right time to decide we want to go to bed together. (Not at that point, either. Not that I haven't thought about it, especially with the aforementioned tending of his bruises.)

I'm not really a patient sort, but I think I have to make myself be patient here instead of jumping in with both feet. He's worth it, too. Besides, I want Calleo to lose money on his bet, whatever it is. Heh heh.