A Moment of Squidginess
Jun. 13th, 2011 10:45 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
museworksYes, 'squidginess' is a word, as is 'squidgy,' from which it is derived. Look it up. It's in the dictionary. You just have to locate that dictionary first.
Anyhow, I'm not really a sentimental sort. I'm not too inclined toward great displays of affection, or gushing over anyone. I've never been as 'huggy' as, say, Lea. I don't swoon over romantic novels or tales of Love Neverending, nor do I believe in love at first sight. (I call that 'lust at first sight', or at least 'attraction at first sight'.) How can an individual truly love someone just by looking at them, without knowing them? What does that mean for those of us who are utterly unremarkable at first sight? It just seems...odd to me. I couldn't imagine putting that much emotional investment into someone with whom I haven't even spent a few hours.
Truthfully, I'd pretty much shrugged and 'resigned' myself (I say 'resigned', but really, I hadn't wanted that sort of regard since I was an adolescent anyhow) to not being someone who'd be romantically inclined. I've always been overshadowed by my sisters; Malinde, on the surface, is an absolutely devastating beauty. Even those who can't stand her will say that. Leania, while not as beautiful, is still lovely and is a sweetheart as well. I know her dimples have set many hearts a-fluttering. Then we have the middle child: Alinor the plain. It's okay, I'm used to it; I'm not ugly-- though on occasion I've been called that in comparison to the others-- just completely unremarkable. I will say it at least gave me a slight bit more freedom to pursue my interests, as Mother wasn't nearly as focused on finding me a husband. I've loved tinkering ever since I was a girl and I took apart my father's favorite clock.
(I DID put it back together, it just somehow ended up running backward; but my father, who has always been rather indulgent toward me, said that just meant he was now getting younger. Let me tell you, that concept baffled me for quite some time as a youngling.)
So, where was I? Oh yes. Talking about how I was fine with not finding romance.
I met him first through the Book. I confess, I'm not precisely certain when we started chatting there, but I DO know that my interest picked up when he revealed that he had, for one of his flying mounts, something designed to look like the head of Mimiron. A flying head of Mimiron to pilot. And to top it all off, he let me fly it. I was sort of joking about doing so, when I was simply hanging out in Orgrimmar, but he showed up! And turned the controls over to me. I was, I admit, rather dazzled by that lovely piece of machinery-- a flying head sounds peculiar, but it just seemed right in this case.
It was only a bit later that I really looked at Loh (when he wasn't looking) and saw that he was...really quite handsome himself. I already knew he was a nice individual, or at least he portrayed one well in the Book and acted as such in person (note: he IS a nice person, I know this now!). That observation was both pleasing and disappointing, oddly enough-- pleasing because I'm only mortal, I do like looking at people who are nice to look at (provided I either don't know their personalities, or I know them to be good people). Disappointing because my internal classification system sorted him into the "out of my league, stay in the friend zone" category. I'm very familiar with that category; I don't find anyone attractive other than male sin'dorei, admittedly, and they tend to be very lovely specimens so it rather limits me.
I try to be realistic, after all. Some sorts really just aren't for people like me.
I did continue to be around Loh, though, because I enjoyed his company. He's a paladin, and one who is more of a medic rather than being a shield or Big Honking Sword of Justice or whatever. I joked about someone like him being good to hide behind, with his armor and all. And he just continued to say really nice things-- not flowery compliments for me, but nice things that a nice person would say overall. (And he did say some nice things for me directly, too.) It was getting more and more difficult to stay focused on keeping him as only a friend; I wasn't sure if he was saying nice things to be nice, or because maybe there was some interest there. I certainly found I didn't want to inadvertantly scare him off. I also was afraid I was coming across a little too...intensely, if that makes sense; he was sick, and I sort of fussed over him in the Book, and made my frozen fruit salad for him when he was feverish, leaving it with his twin (who lives with him). I didn't overdo it, at least; in thanks he carved a lovely little model of Mim out of alicite. It's on my dresser now.
I also found myself looking forward to when he'd open his own Book; a most peculiar feeling, that little twinge in the chest when I'd see his writing appear on the page. I'd catch myself smiling-- probably very goofily-- when he wrote, and those times we had private conversations in the Book it was a miracle my writing wasn't wobbly, my hands would shake so. (And having it transcribe spoken word wouldn't help, because I knew I'd stutter and my breathing would be a little erratic from nervousness.) I had to force myself to admit I was downright infatuated at this point.
I gave him a little tour of my workshop (and accidentally left my Book open, so it transcribed the tour. Embarrassing, but I confess, after that one death knight whined about it I felt a little bit of spiteful amusement). Then, after he said yet another Really Nice Thing to me, it was enough to encourage me to maybe try, despite my better judgement-- I told him that I knew he wasn't long out of an unpleasant relationship, but if he decided to consider something more than friendship again, to keep me in mind. I hoped to make it clear that I wouldn't take rejection badly and that I did want to be friends still in that case.
Much to my delight, he seemed amenable to that possibility! So I invited him over for dinner, which will hopefully be this evening. I'm wanting to take this slowly and cautiously, for both our sakes-- his for apparently being a bit burned before, and mine for the fact that I am a complete newcomer to this sort of thing. I can't bring myself to jump in with both feet, at least beyond that initial decision to make my interest known. For all that I do try to remain realistic and reasonable, I'm a bit skittish because rejection really kind of stings.
And despite that realism and reason, I'm really, really hopeful. I'm certainly nervous enough about this evening. I'm still afraid I'll do something to screw things up, but...one step at a time. That's how I'm approaching this shift in relationship-- one step at a time, no looking ahead. (And no imagining scenarios resulting in my rejection! My imagination is way too active sometimes, and I have to make myself shove those thoughts away.)
My hands are slightly shaky even now, so I think I'll put the pen down and get something more to eat.
Anyhow, I'm not really a sentimental sort. I'm not too inclined toward great displays of affection, or gushing over anyone. I've never been as 'huggy' as, say, Lea. I don't swoon over romantic novels or tales of Love Neverending, nor do I believe in love at first sight. (I call that 'lust at first sight', or at least 'attraction at first sight'.) How can an individual truly love someone just by looking at them, without knowing them? What does that mean for those of us who are utterly unremarkable at first sight? It just seems...odd to me. I couldn't imagine putting that much emotional investment into someone with whom I haven't even spent a few hours.
Truthfully, I'd pretty much shrugged and 'resigned' myself (I say 'resigned', but really, I hadn't wanted that sort of regard since I was an adolescent anyhow) to not being someone who'd be romantically inclined. I've always been overshadowed by my sisters; Malinde, on the surface, is an absolutely devastating beauty. Even those who can't stand her will say that. Leania, while not as beautiful, is still lovely and is a sweetheart as well. I know her dimples have set many hearts a-fluttering. Then we have the middle child: Alinor the plain. It's okay, I'm used to it; I'm not ugly-- though on occasion I've been called that in comparison to the others-- just completely unremarkable. I will say it at least gave me a slight bit more freedom to pursue my interests, as Mother wasn't nearly as focused on finding me a husband. I've loved tinkering ever since I was a girl and I took apart my father's favorite clock.
(I DID put it back together, it just somehow ended up running backward; but my father, who has always been rather indulgent toward me, said that just meant he was now getting younger. Let me tell you, that concept baffled me for quite some time as a youngling.)
So, where was I? Oh yes. Talking about how I was fine with not finding romance.
I met him first through the Book. I confess, I'm not precisely certain when we started chatting there, but I DO know that my interest picked up when he revealed that he had, for one of his flying mounts, something designed to look like the head of Mimiron. A flying head of Mimiron to pilot. And to top it all off, he let me fly it. I was sort of joking about doing so, when I was simply hanging out in Orgrimmar, but he showed up! And turned the controls over to me. I was, I admit, rather dazzled by that lovely piece of machinery-- a flying head sounds peculiar, but it just seemed right in this case.
It was only a bit later that I really looked at Loh (when he wasn't looking) and saw that he was...really quite handsome himself. I already knew he was a nice individual, or at least he portrayed one well in the Book and acted as such in person (note: he IS a nice person, I know this now!). That observation was both pleasing and disappointing, oddly enough-- pleasing because I'm only mortal, I do like looking at people who are nice to look at (provided I either don't know their personalities, or I know them to be good people). Disappointing because my internal classification system sorted him into the "out of my league, stay in the friend zone" category. I'm very familiar with that category; I don't find anyone attractive other than male sin'dorei, admittedly, and they tend to be very lovely specimens so it rather limits me.
I try to be realistic, after all. Some sorts really just aren't for people like me.
I did continue to be around Loh, though, because I enjoyed his company. He's a paladin, and one who is more of a medic rather than being a shield or Big Honking Sword of Justice or whatever. I joked about someone like him being good to hide behind, with his armor and all. And he just continued to say really nice things-- not flowery compliments for me, but nice things that a nice person would say overall. (And he did say some nice things for me directly, too.) It was getting more and more difficult to stay focused on keeping him as only a friend; I wasn't sure if he was saying nice things to be nice, or because maybe there was some interest there. I certainly found I didn't want to inadvertantly scare him off. I also was afraid I was coming across a little too...intensely, if that makes sense; he was sick, and I sort of fussed over him in the Book, and made my frozen fruit salad for him when he was feverish, leaving it with his twin (who lives with him). I didn't overdo it, at least; in thanks he carved a lovely little model of Mim out of alicite. It's on my dresser now.
I also found myself looking forward to when he'd open his own Book; a most peculiar feeling, that little twinge in the chest when I'd see his writing appear on the page. I'd catch myself smiling-- probably very goofily-- when he wrote, and those times we had private conversations in the Book it was a miracle my writing wasn't wobbly, my hands would shake so. (And having it transcribe spoken word wouldn't help, because I knew I'd stutter and my breathing would be a little erratic from nervousness.) I had to force myself to admit I was downright infatuated at this point.
I gave him a little tour of my workshop (and accidentally left my Book open, so it transcribed the tour. Embarrassing, but I confess, after that one death knight whined about it I felt a little bit of spiteful amusement). Then, after he said yet another Really Nice Thing to me, it was enough to encourage me to maybe try, despite my better judgement-- I told him that I knew he wasn't long out of an unpleasant relationship, but if he decided to consider something more than friendship again, to keep me in mind. I hoped to make it clear that I wouldn't take rejection badly and that I did want to be friends still in that case.
Much to my delight, he seemed amenable to that possibility! So I invited him over for dinner, which will hopefully be this evening. I'm wanting to take this slowly and cautiously, for both our sakes-- his for apparently being a bit burned before, and mine for the fact that I am a complete newcomer to this sort of thing. I can't bring myself to jump in with both feet, at least beyond that initial decision to make my interest known. For all that I do try to remain realistic and reasonable, I'm a bit skittish because rejection really kind of stings.
And despite that realism and reason, I'm really, really hopeful. I'm certainly nervous enough about this evening. I'm still afraid I'll do something to screw things up, but...one step at a time. That's how I'm approaching this shift in relationship-- one step at a time, no looking ahead. (And no imagining scenarios resulting in my rejection! My imagination is way too active sometimes, and I have to make myself shove those thoughts away.)
My hands are slightly shaky even now, so I think I'll put the pen down and get something more to eat.
