Strange penance.

[museworks]

((Warning for possibly disturbing content under the cut.))

Oh, Pryderi Skyblaze. You had potential, once, I am certain. You could have been a genuinely decent man instead of a half-heartedly decent one. I do not consider you bad, nor did I truly even before you lay lifeless before me. Please understand that you still had to die, though. I could not allow you to live when I found you. But I did make certain your death was painless and without the humiliation I made Alamir endure. I think you understood.

You were too weak to defy Jovan and the others. I knew when I saw you that your heart was not in it. But you did it anyway, because of them. You were afraid of them-- or at least, of displeasing them. I do not know what it was about your life that so thoroughly beat down your will, but you were weak. Had you resisted them, had you followed what I know was your better judgement, you might be isolated from them but you might also be alive.

You were given a painless death, as I said; I let you go to sleep and never wake up. You were, strangely, one of the very few slightly less dim parts of my life then; I would not say bright, but you made the darkness ease slightly even though you were still a weak man. You were the reason he let me out of my room those few times; even if it was under guard and under cover, from one home to another nearby, and even though you were ordered to be certain I could not escape, it was still a chance to step outside, if briefly.

Once Jovan and his guards were gone, to return later, there was always that abrupt shift. You did not want to take me, nor did you delight in torment or humiliation…except of yourself. Poor 'Deri. I cannot pretend to know what went on in your mind, but you were the willing recipient of months, even years of pent-up rage, and you seemed to revel in it. I do not know if it was a strange sort of penance, or if it was the simple matter of having that odd fetish, but I thank you; I believe it helped me as much as it did whatever it did for you. When you saw what Jovan had allowed Alamir to do to my back, you wanted me to do the same to you. For every time you were part of the group that *the rest of the sentence is scratched out beyond legibility*

Whenever you saw him take my hair and

For everything you saw me endure, you wanted me to do something terrible to you. Something equally bad, even though it could not match. I could not starve you, I could not force you to endure random intervals of complete darkness, I could not keep you isolated from everything else. I could not kill you and bring you back in a sick abuse of the Light. But I could beat you, I could kick you, whip you, cut you. I could think of everything since I had been brought to that hateful place I called home, and let it fuel me as I took it out on you. And you begged me for more. I loved it when you begged.

(I don't want to be that person.)

I asked you why you-- why were you the one to whose home I was brought like this. Why not someone else-- like Alamir, as mentioned, who left scars that I carry to this day? Your answer: "Jovan is testing me." I asked you why you tolerated it when you at least had the freedom to do what you wished, including the freedom to help me escape. You just shook your head and looked away from me. If only you had helped me, 'Deri. If only you had stood up to him, you would still be alive.

I found you, and I fought you; I wore you down into surrender. I removed my helm and you smiled. And you cried as if something had been lifted from your heart. I don't understand your inner torment, but I think you understood why I had to kill you. I think you may have even wanted it. So I fed you that poison gently, and let you go to sleep with your head in my lap. I made sure the last words you heard were:

"I forgive you."

And I do. I think I do. I hope your soul found peace in the twisting nether.