A good idea after all.
Jun. 24th, 2011 11:12 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
museworksThe Tauren was right. It helps to write this down and see my own words. It lets me examine what had happened, my life before I escaped, in a more detached way. I think she felt it would 'free' me. Maybe it does. But it also helps me organize my thoughts and plans.
When Jovan came back to me a week later-- a week not spent in darkness-- he was…normal. I don't know how else to describe it, but he behaved as if there were absolutely nothing wrong with the first two weeks I'd been spending there. Like there was nothing strange about the way I still did not have a stitch of clothing, or the way I was still locked in my rooms and unable to see anything outside them. He just came in, followed by the same servant who had first brought me here, with said servant pushing a cart on which there were two covered dishes, two glasses, and a bottle of wine. My hair, back then, was long-- it reached past my hips, and I did try to cover myself with it while the servant was there. Not that it seemed to be necessary; I might as well have been a piece of forgotten furniture for all the attention I was paid.
Once the servant had left Jovan took a seat across from me at the small table and began eating his meal. Again acting as if nothing were out of the ordinary. For a while we ate in silence; finally I was unable to stand it and spoke up. I asked him why I was locked in the room, why I had been left in complete darkness that first week, why when he visited me that first time he was so impersonal. I just wanted to know why, at that point. If my questions bothered him he gave no indication, instead continuing to calmly eat. It was only several minutes later that he spoke.
"I was testing you," he said.
Even now I don't truly know what his purpose was. I can only make guesses. The most likely to me now is that it was a preliminary test of my mental stability, perhaps of my behavior in such a situation as that. Perhaps he wanted to see if I would scream and cry and have hysterics. I know at some point in that dark time I did cry because I was terrified and confused, and I didn't even know if it would end or if that would be how I died. I imagine my reaction would dictate what measures he took with this imprisonment, whether I needed to be hidden, silenced, or if he wanted to see what would drive me to that point. I also still think it was to keep me uncertain and off-balance, and therefore easier to control. Jovan does love control.
I told him I didn't understand, and asked why I was being tested. He didn't answer, nor did he speak for another several minutes while we ate. My appetite was minimal but I knew I had to eat as I couldn't even be certain when my next meal would be. If there would be some other strange test.
He finally stood, said he would return later, then left.
He did return later as said. I was asleep, and once more I woke in the total darkness to see his glowing eyes above me. It went as before, mostly, except he stayed longer. Three times, and then he was gone. Not a word. I still did not understand any of it.
When Jovan came back to me a week later-- a week not spent in darkness-- he was…normal. I don't know how else to describe it, but he behaved as if there were absolutely nothing wrong with the first two weeks I'd been spending there. Like there was nothing strange about the way I still did not have a stitch of clothing, or the way I was still locked in my rooms and unable to see anything outside them. He just came in, followed by the same servant who had first brought me here, with said servant pushing a cart on which there were two covered dishes, two glasses, and a bottle of wine. My hair, back then, was long-- it reached past my hips, and I did try to cover myself with it while the servant was there. Not that it seemed to be necessary; I might as well have been a piece of forgotten furniture for all the attention I was paid.
Once the servant had left Jovan took a seat across from me at the small table and began eating his meal. Again acting as if nothing were out of the ordinary. For a while we ate in silence; finally I was unable to stand it and spoke up. I asked him why I was locked in the room, why I had been left in complete darkness that first week, why when he visited me that first time he was so impersonal. I just wanted to know why, at that point. If my questions bothered him he gave no indication, instead continuing to calmly eat. It was only several minutes later that he spoke.
"I was testing you," he said.
Even now I don't truly know what his purpose was. I can only make guesses. The most likely to me now is that it was a preliminary test of my mental stability, perhaps of my behavior in such a situation as that. Perhaps he wanted to see if I would scream and cry and have hysterics. I know at some point in that dark time I did cry because I was terrified and confused, and I didn't even know if it would end or if that would be how I died. I imagine my reaction would dictate what measures he took with this imprisonment, whether I needed to be hidden, silenced, or if he wanted to see what would drive me to that point. I also still think it was to keep me uncertain and off-balance, and therefore easier to control. Jovan does love control.
I told him I didn't understand, and asked why I was being tested. He didn't answer, nor did he speak for another several minutes while we ate. My appetite was minimal but I knew I had to eat as I couldn't even be certain when my next meal would be. If there would be some other strange test.
He finally stood, said he would return later, then left.
He did return later as said. I was asleep, and once more I woke in the total darkness to see his glowing eyes above me. It went as before, mostly, except he stayed longer. Three times, and then he was gone. Not a word. I still did not understand any of it.
