museworks: (Alinor)
[personal profile] museworks
Lohen's sleeping really soundly, and I cuddled up next to him a bit but he didn't wake-- I was just cuddling to cuddle, anyway!-- so I decided to scribble a few things down. I think he got up for a bit last night but I don't precisely remember; I just sort of dimly registered it then went back to sleep.

I'm still a complete novice when it comes to this relationship stuff. Lohendrin's my first relationship ever, and while I like to think I'm an intelligent, rational elf, it's still a new area to me and he does throw me off balance, but in a good way. He came out of a very bad situation, I know, and I also know he hadn't been expecting-- or wanting-- to get into a relationship even several months later. I can understand. I mean, if you devote a block of time-- a year and a half? two? I don't know-- to someone, even if they're a bad person that's still a part of your time given to them and from what I understand, it takes time to get past that. At least, for most reasonable people, and Lohendrin is a normal, reasonable person. But things happened as they happened with us, and I tried to not make him feel pressured or whatever-- I'd even tried to give him an easy way of turning me down if he wasn't interested, without worrying about hurting my feelings. (Not like it would have been the first time I was turned down by someone.)

But no, he was interested too, and...it just snowballed from there. I, against all sense of reason that I otherwise prize, fell in love. At first I was afraid that maybe I was just too enthusiastic about the first fellow who seemed to be genuinely interested in me as a person, and who himself was a genuinely good person too, but I came to realize that it was really more than that. I don't want to think too far into the future, because it's entirely possible we won't be together even a year from now, much less many; I'm not going to make silly declarations about his being my soulmate or any such nonsense, because I think that generally just ends poorly.

I love him, and I don't want to share every aspect of my life or my being with him. We're still two separate individuals. Some interests overlap, like books, and others supplement each other-- not that he needs it, but if he wanted he could sift through some of the ore I collect for uncut stones and such, for instance-- but we are still two different people. And I love that too. We don't complete each other; we complement each other. Even in looking for a new place to live for the three of us (me, Lohen, and Marbas), we'll have our separate spaces. And I like that. I don't want Lohen to depend on me for anything, and I don't want to depend on him.

So I don't plan ahead too much-- not beyond the basic concrete matters of life such as living space and battle situations and so forth. Other matters are one day at a time, and I'm happy.

OOC: ((This was inspired by this quote from Rainer Maria Rilke; I love the quote, and in fact on my wedding day IRL I posted it to Facebook because it was appropriate for my now-husband-- those of you on the IC Twitter may have him friended as @GWindblade, Alinor's orc shaman friend-- and I.

"The point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky."

Addendum: There are no wedding bells on the horizon for Al and Loh atm, btw! The quote just fits the relationship itself regardless. :D))
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July 2011

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